What if you’ve spent your adult life thinking you hold certain thoughts and beliefs
And then
As the years go on
And you listen to yourself
In social settings
When you hear yourself saying things
Certain things
To all kinds of people
You start to wonder
If you do actually know what you think and believe
After all
I thought I didn’t want certain things
But then
I find
More and more
That those certain things are the certain hot topics of conversation
More and more regularly
And
More and more regularly
I’m the one introducing the hot topics of conversation to the group
So does that mean I do want them after all
What if I actually find that I’m a whole other person
Than the person I’ve grown to believe that I am
What if I’ve been nothing but the coccoon
I’m the shell
And the butterfly is inside
The caterpillar of my youth has hid in there
For years
Completely reorganising its DNA
And now
The butterfly is ready to escape
Butterflies and the caterpillars they once were share no DNA
They’re the same creature
But they’re not
Am I a butterfly
I thought I’d been an ugly duckling
Perhaps
And had grown to be a swan
Or was a mermaid
Or unicorn
Or some other unique, mythical creature
But a butterfly
And if nothing has changed
If I’m not actually a butterfly
If my DNA remains as it always were
Then why do I keep talking about things that I don’t want
Am I daring the world to challenge me
To push me to change my mind
Am I trying to give myself permission
To reframe my thoughts
To rearticulate my beliefs
Or am I just
As always
Talking a lot of shit
Just
This time
It’s internal as well as in an outside voice
Sometimes there is so much else happening in life
That it’s easier to play one broken record
On repeat
Than try to learn a new, complicated symphony
#husbandhuntingisntasmuchofasportasimakeout
#itsbeenabigmonthandimlookingforwardtotheendofit
Shul of Tash 