I’m good at daydreaming.
Too good.
I could win awards for it.
Medals.
My eyes have already begun to glaze over…
As I type this.
As I think about daydreaming
I can type away.
Happily engaged with my own thoughts.
Not needing to look outward.
Not at all.
I can think about the ways my life should have gone.
The ways it could have gone.
The ways it hasn’t gone.
Do you ever do that?
Think about the choices you’ve made.
As if you were in a choose-your-own-adventure book
Do you live like control-Z was an actual, real-life option available to you?
I wish it were.
Imagine…
“Oops!”
I didn’t want to do that!
“Oops!”
I didn’t want to say that!
“Oops!”
I didn’t want to choose that!
Undo!
Undo!
Undo!
And then?
Choose again.
Try again.
Redo.
Retry.
Don’t like that option?
Do it all over again.
Again!
Why can’t life be like that?
This whole living with only one chance at things thing is bullshit.
That’s how regrets kick in.
I remember that turning point…
I remember that choice…
I want to go back.
I don’t want to be young again –
Young and stupid and naïve and badly dressed –
That’s not why I want to go back
And when I say back…
It could be five minutes ago
I just want a “do over”.
But then again…
Would I pick anything new?
The daydreaming starts all over again.
The alternate universe dreams.
The thoughts of my life with him.
Or in that job.
Or in that city.
Or with that house.
And then, just like that, my eyes focus on the screen in front of me once more.
My fingers coming to a rest on the keyboard.
And the day has gone.
Shul of Tash 